DEVELOPING IMMEDIATE INTENSITY
As you look around a group of people, tiny things happen when you see someone: bring our a personal curiosity, notice judgements, alienations., fit people into categories. This happens to every person you meet.
Better to start with no expectations – a clean slate. Show love to all.
Rules of Deep Dating
1. Treat this date as the only date you will ever have with this person – your entire relationship will occur now. Best to try to scare them away, tell them all your secrets – no worries as this is the only date you will ever have. As the relationship happens now, this is the perfect place to have intimacy to discover what is possible. Radical honesty is best. Everyone wants intimacy, but it can be scary, so you need to figure out how to be safe.
What is more fulfilling? Most of the time you think you want to have sex, but what you want is to be close.
2. Create Intimacy = realness + atunement.
Intimacy is shown when you show what you are really like – you need to be real if you want to be close. To be seen for how you truly are shows a need to be loved and accepted. Practice sharing things that you would not normally.
Atunement is the sensing of what the other person is experiencing. Find out where they are at. Share how you are feeling in a skillful way that takes time to learn. Start often with “I feel like …….
3. Don’t Reject.
If this is someone that will not ‘work out’ and you realize it soon after meeting them, you want to redirect to something you might be able to create intimacy with – try to find common ground. Set boundaries eg. Don’t want sex, not interested in this kind of interaction, but another kind. You are together now to make the most of this time. “I feel bad about things maybe not working out ….,
4. Lean into Trust
If you don’t trust them, begin the possibility of trust. Don’t take their mistrust personally. Try to learn why they can’t trust. Take risks if you both feel safe.
5. Include Learning, Healing, and Growth.
Counseling and deep dating have a lot in common – both need great intimacy. Talk about awkwardness and rejection.